Monday, October 18, 2010

A Pregnant Pause

So when I last blogged I was just a little bit pregnant. I won’t keep you in suspense – On May 28th I had a beautiful sparkling little baby girl – Bella Rose.





I know some of you are wondering why I have been so silent. Some of it was because it was a rough pregnancy. It felt like I had every complication in the book – 16 weeks of “modified” rest (no lifting, no exercising, no stress, no anything) because of a pesky little subchorionic hematoma. Once that resolved itself, I was told my placenta was too low. Then, I became borderline diabetic. And anemic. And then there was that week where my amniotic fluid went dangerously low. To top it all off, at the very end, my blood pressure sky rocketed. And when I finally went into labor, it went on and on and on. We are talking “oh my dear Lord the baby is coming NOW” contractions every five minutes for 38 HOURS. Not exactly a picnic in the park.

But here is the real reason for my blogosphere absence - through it all, I felt like if I even whispered anything other than a prayer, I would jinx the whole thing. That if I rejoiced in the good news, or wallowed in the bad, somehow I would mess it up. So I tried to make myself as small as possible (which, now that I think of it, is kinda ironic considering my body exploded with this pregnancy – I was in desperate need for maternity clothes by the time I was 10 weeks along). So much of the time I feel like my life has turned out so much more than perfect , so much more full of happiness than I could think of asking for, that I spent a good part of the pregnancy waiting for karma to come and find me. I know that this is whole big giant bag of magical thinking, but I hid myself away just the same.

Now Bella is a whopping four months old. She is absolutely perfect in every way. There are times when I am overwhelmed with the reality of being a mother to a new baby, an eight year old, and a ten year old; but there also times when I am overcome with pure joy at it all (this usually occurs when they are all nicely tucked in bed, sleeping soundly, and the dinner dishes are done).


So, autumn is here and the falling leaves and brisk air are nudging me outward – it’s time to unwrap myself from the little cocoon I’ve built around myself and see what’s been happening.

Hello again!

2 comments:

Barb said...

I totally understand the feeling of trying to make yourself invisible so that the Universe won't remember that you've done nothing to deserve all these many blessings. It took me a long time to understand that the God I know wants me to have them. And that I could have them without feeling guilty. (Much.) Now I try to remember that I've paid a lot of dues along the way and the best way to "pay" for my blessing is unreserved joy in them. Because, Candi? A lot of people are really blessed and never even notice. She's really beautiful. Congratulations on your gorgeous family!

Sarahviz said...

Welcome back! Bella is beautiful!